Wednesday, April 4, 2007

If I were coach...

Of a MLB baseball team:

* I’d use my closer to maximize my team’s wins, not my closer’s saves total. This would require me to use my closer in all 1-run and tie games regardless of save situation. I wouldn’t use my closer in a three-run-lead save situation.

* I’d never intentionally walk a hitter. Giving out IBBs is like taking on credit card debt.

* I would not pitch a #5 starting pitcher. Instead, I would pitch nine one-inning Zumaya-types. Or Broxton-types. Or Howry-types. Or Wheeler-types. Or Duchscherer-types. (Set-up men.)

* In fact, I might not have any starting pitchers. Instead, I’d pitch a fifteen-man rotation that was a grab bag of underappreciated (and underpaid) closers, set-up men, and knuckleballers.

* On my bench I would only have one backup catcher and one utility guy who could come in if there was an injury. I would have no pinch hitters. The concept of pitch hitting is entirely stupid. If a pinch hitter were a good hitter, he’d be a starter. So why, in a baseball game's most crucial point, would you have a bad hitter come in cold off the bench, not at all in the rhythm of the game, and face the opposing team's toughest pitcher? It doesn’t make sense. No pinch hitters. The only thing I dislike more than pinch hitters are bad pitchers that people defend by calling them "Inning Eaters." Neither Livan Hernandez nor Lenny Harris will be on my team.

Of a football team:

* I’d never punt when in opposition territory.

Of a basketball team:

* I’d press for all 40 (or 48) minutes. If you aren’t in shape enough to play 40 hard basketball minutes, you need to get off the couch and increase your metabolic rate.

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